First Born Fuck Ups

When parents tell you that they love you equally, that might be true. But they sure as well don't treat you equally. I am the baby of the family. You'd think I'd get away with almost anything. Nope. Because I apparently seem to have everything together, my parents feel the need to help more with my sibling. I have to see what my sibling's schedule is like so that *I* don't interfere.

So the other day I asked if one or both of my parents could watch my son for a morning. I didn't want to add fuel to the fire of my husband complaining about not getting <gasp> anything done <gasp> around the place. So I thought I would at least have a plan B in place.

You know what I got for an answer? It wasn't the resounding YES that I was expecting.   I saw red almost instantly and blocked out a portion of the conversation.

You see, I wouldn't mind so much but my parents already ditched out on me and my son earlier in the week. Now instead of staying until evening on their specified Grandma and Grandpa day, they rush out the door the minute I show up. Why? Because they have other plans.

But the following day when they have their Grandma and Grandpa day with my sibling, they bend over backwards. They were spending the night because my sibling asked them to. Well, it was "work" related. So of COURSE they had to help out. So when I was told that my parents didn't want to watch my son but they were willing to spend extra time with my sibling's children, I really started seeing the light.

It's not only my family that plays favorites to the eldest child. My husband's family is exactly the same way. The second child (ie, baby of the family) is considered just another member of the family. I'm not sure if it's first baby syndrome or if the first child in the family is a total fuck up (or should I say "needs to make better choices"), but no matter the case, the parents view the second child as having it altogether. So instead of spending equal time, they pamper the one they think needs more help (ie, first child), even if said child can't make good choices.

It's frustrating beyond belief. I said that my son would never play second fiddle to his cousins. And I'll make damn sure of it. I've already cut two family members out of my life. Guess I'm going to have to start coming up with more than Plan A and Plan B solutions.

Fatty Fat Fat

I’ve been eating like it’s going out of style or like the end of the world is coming and I want to enjoy every last piece of chocolate on earth. That means I’ve gained weight.  No one tells you that when you hit 35, life starts going downhill. Or maybe as you get older, you realize that 35 wasn’t as bad as the later years. But no matter what, since I’ve been 35 life has pretty much sucked. I look at a cookie and I gain a pound. I sniff a cookie and I gain two pounds. I lick a cookie and I gain four pounds. And heaven forbid if I eat a cookie, I gain seven pounds.

All I can say is, damn those cookies tasted good.

Yes, I’m fat. Fat to the point of needing to buy bigger jeans. The current jeans aren’t to the point where I have to lie down to put them on, but they dig in to my fat belly. I have donelap disease (you know, my belly has done lapped my belt). I also discovered yet another downfall to eating so much. You poop a lot more. In the past few months (the months that I’ve stuffed my face with every piece of chocolate I could get my grubby hands on), I’ve also increased the time on my royal throne.

Because I can’t sit comfortably in a chair while at work (they don’t allow comfy pants and I refuse to wear anything but jeans), and I’m tired of crapping multiple times of day (I know TMI but seriously, I used to only go every other day), I decided I’d put myself on a diet.

I’d normally just work out more. Well, not really work out. I don’t work out. I don’t sweat. I don’t glow. I don’t exercise. I have chores that entail a lot of work so I consider that my workout. But with a toddler, there goes any opportunity but to chase a screaming child from one room to the next. You’d think that would be enough exercise to keep the weight off but it’s not.

If you don’t work out, you have to cut down on how much you eat. That’s exactly what I decided I would do. I have an oral fixation (with food. Get your mind out of the gutter.) And I have a boring job. The only way to keep myself awake is to snack. Also, now that I’ve had a toddler, I have ADD (and am constantly exhausted).  I have to switch my brain every 10 minutes otherwise I lose my concentration and start falling asleep (squirrel). Back in January, it was so bad that I was passing out behind the wheel driving to work. Yeah, I’m that dedicated to my job (note the sarcasm).

But I digress. So I put myself on a diet. Surprisingly, nothing sounded good last night and I didn’t want to make anything because the stupid husband is being a dickhead again. I decided I would just have cereal. For some reason I’d picked up raisin bran. It sounded good and I hadn’t had it in a while. What the fuck was I thinking eating raisin bran?!?! Seriously? I already shit more each day because I eat so much, then I had BRAN??  The amount of poop I’ve shit out over the past 12 hours will probably explain any of my current weight loss.

Some days I wonder about my sanity. Here’s to day two of No Snacky Snacky Diet.

Drugs

I have baby-itis. It's bad. On the bright side, my husband has it too. I don't want to start trying for a baby just yet. I want to have a late spring/early summer baby. Not a so fucking hot it'll melt your feet summer baby.

In preparation for "practicing", I went cold turkey on my stupid happy pills. I've never liked them but I'm seeing the benefits after not being on them for 2.5 weeks. Everyone is more stupid when I'm not doped up apparently. Everyone is more annoying and saying stupid things. I've never been happy being doped up on drugs but to tolerate the stupid that is the general public, I guess I'll have to.

Except...I can't. It's been reported (at least the commercials say so), that the happy pills I've been taking may cause birth defects. Well, no shit Sherlock of course I'm not going to take them. And the hormone specialist said that the happy pills that I take stay in my body for a full month after consuming even one pill. So I want to be totally rid of the drug before we start trying.

I'm not sure I can last. I'm either going to have to break down and take a happy pill or take up drinking. Although I do have to admit that I drank over the weekend (love lemonade vodka). And that seemed to help ease the experience of dealing with inconsiderate people.  As a friend politely said, everyone has a different parenting method. Hell yea... as far as I'm concerned, keep your damn kids away from me unless they are the type that don't say a damn word. If they speak a peep, keep them the fuck away from me.

So now I'm going into withdrawal. I can't be a drug addict with other drugs but these happy pills are my saving grace from keeping myself out of jail.  I told the husband this morning after being in Mommy Timeout all last night that he better hurry up and knock me up so I can be in a total fog and not have to deal with stupid people. Oh well, I'll still deal with stupid people but I'll be in that pregnancy haze where nothing matters (although that wasn't the case last time.) But this time, watch out mo fos. Cuz this time around, I'm going to be as rude and blunt as you are. If you say something stupid, I'll either respond in kind or call you out stating that you're being rude and stupid.

These next couple of months until I get knocked up are going to be a bumpy ride.

Mood Swings

So apparently *I* am the crazy bitch. Or at least that's what my ungrateful mother and husband think. I won't go into details but I'll definitely say, I may be a bitch, but it's for other reasons.

I have some type of hormone instability. It's nothing really. It's just that my mood changes. Gee, isn't that what being a WOMAN is all about? Novel idea. But because my swings in mood are so drastic, apparently I'm broken. Says my lowlife husband. I've gone to the doctor and each one that I've gone to says they wont' help me. Ummm...really? So the lowlife husband says it's my fault because I dont' listen to what they say so I go to another doctor and if they don't say what I want to hear, I keep moving on. Umm, no. The doctors that I've gone to pretty much say they can't do anything more for me. Really?? All you want to do is prescribe drugs that don't work and walk away. And when that doesnt' work and I question your authority you send me packing no matter what.

I did find a doctor that does believe in better methods so we are now awaiting those results. Not everything is resolved with drugs. Unless YOU MOTHER FUCKER want to be on happy drugs, NOT ME! Yes, I'm talking to my ungrateful mother and my dipshit husband and any other fucker who thinks that I'm batshit crazy. I'm not batshit crazy, I'm JUST A BITCH.

But I digress. I've been having problems at work. For a long ass time. It's been almost a year of dealing with a narcissistic boss. That's right. I'm going to call him Narcissistic Ned. Every word out of his mouth is negative. Nothing anyone does is good enough. And it's been a full year. So after listening to my work getting bashed for a full year, I've had enough. I've been beaten down as low as I can go.

I am now going to retaliate.

But the problem is, in the past year, I've gotten more and more unhappy and the narcissistic boss has single handedly ruined my marriage. So my shitface husband thinks it's MY fault that there's problems at work. We talked the other night but instead of listening to what I had to say, he BLAMED MY FUCKING MOOD SWING. Seriosuly, you piece of shit. Have you not listened to a fucking work I've said?!!?!? How can you be so cruel as to ignore EVERY WORD I've just spoken?!? But wait...it's my fault because I'm "in a mood".

So now, it's MY FAULT that I'm unhappy at work and it's MY FAULT that I have a negative boss. Some how he turned it all back on me and blamed ME. So much for being my best friend and listening to what I have to say. Hear this you peice of shit husband, I HATE YOU. If you can't hear anything, hear this... YOU FUCKING SUCK. Oh and guess what??! As I type this out loudly on the keyboard, his lazy ass is asleep on the couch. That's right. THe mother fucker can sleep through anything. UGH.

Now the question is, do I confront my boss and risk getting fired? Oh wait, do I hear unemployment calling? Guess the ungrateful husband can figure out how to pay all our bills now. Never mind the fucking debt collectors knocking at our doors all the time.

Yeah, Lifes' a Bitch. Oh wait.. that's me.

Inconsiderate Ass

I'm married to an inconsidered ass for a husband. Yeah, that's right. I said it. And if the inconsiderate husband is reading, it's not all me baby. You're to blame too. I might fly off the handle but that's because you're an inconsiderate ass who can't seem to clear the wax out of your ears to hear me speak. You've tried to "listen" to me in the past and I got nothing in return.

Our seven  month old has stopped sleeping through the night. I'm stressed out. The inconsiderate husband, sleeps through it all. Or better yet, tells me that I'm over reacting and that I shouldn't get up when the baby cries. Any other mother out there think that thought is the most ridiculous thing in the world? Alright inconsiderate husband, you can listen to him cry for a half an hour at 1AM and then realize that he's wet and hungry. So you'll be up with him for an hour. And oh by the way, the next time he's wet through his outfit, dont' let him sit in it, change his fucking clothes. You dont' want to sit in something wet, let alone pee. I highly doubt our son wants to be wet too. I won't even mention the episode where *I* had to deal with your "wet" clothes.

And inconsiderate husband, if you ever tell me that you are "letting" me do something, "let me" tell you that we are not in the 50s and 60s. I do not cowdown to your old school logic.  You, inconsiderate husband, are not in charge of me. You cannot tell me what I can and cannot do. If that is the case, then expect the same. And I'll tell you, inconsiderate husband, that you can suck it. I'll "let" you touch me when I want. I'll "let" you kiss me on the top of the head but right now, you ain't touching ANY OF THIS BABY.

Inconsiderate husband, you are a complete and total ass. I would have thought your heart scare would have softened  your crap encrusted shell. Instead it added an additional thick layer of crap. I am no longer willing to wade through the crusty crap to find what I thought was a gentle soul because in my heart of hearts, I don't think there ever was a gentle soul. I've been fooling myself for all these years. Have a heart attack and go to hell inconsiderate ass for a husband.

Possessed Gas Station

I’m starting to think that what luck I do have is bad! Last night I had drill team practice. Unfortunately the hubby was in training all week and was still traveling home when I needed to get ready to go. I not-so-patiently waited for him to arrive home.  Now I know some of you are asking, “Why the hell didn’t she just get ready alone?” Normally I would. But when you have an almost seven month old, you can’t really DO anything outside. Not when you are in an area that is covered in snow, hidden ice, and mud.

When the hubby got home, I dumped the kid on him and headed out to hook the trailer up. Luckily I took the stock trailer. If I would have taken the big trailer, I bet I would have gotten stuck in our own yard. As it was, I think I almost bogged down in our driveway anyway. Nothing like being in 4x4 to get out of your own damn driveway.

As always, I parked the truck on Empty. Why do I always freaking do that? So instead of having the nasty little yellow gas gauge light come on at some point in my driving, I decided to get gas BEFORE I went to practice.

Of course, I was already running late because the hubby didn’t get home until the time I needed to leave. So after finally getting the trailer hooked up and avoiding getting stuck in our driveway, I was on my way with horse in tow to the gas station.

I eyed the gas gauge the entire time just waiting for that damn light to turn on but it never did. I pulled in to the gas station and instantly realized I’d pulled in on the wrong side. DAMNIT. So around the gas station I went, waiting for the damn little yellow light to come on.

I pulled in to the correct pump, grabbed my debit card, hopped out, unscrewed my gas cap and turned to face the gas pump. What the fuck?!? The stupid debit/credit card part of the pumps aren’t light up. I tried it anyway. I didn’t think it would hurt just to try. Of course, NOTHING. I’m already late so what the hell! So I trotted my fat ass in to the gas station only to be greeted by two teenage boys running the gas station. GREEEAAAAAT.

Me: “The debit card part of the pumps don’t work. “

Teenage Boy: “Huh? They should.”

Well, no shit of course they should. At least he went outside to look. But I get asked the stupid question, well what about the other pump? No shit Sherlock, if the other pump would have worked, I would have circled the damn gas station AGAIN.

Me: “Can I just pay after I get done.”

Teenage Boy: “Sure.”

And the Teenage Boy promptly goes back inside. To give him credit, I think he was talking with the other boy to figure out what was wrong.

I lifted the handle and flipped the switch. Of course, NOTHING. You gotta be fucking kidding me! Now I’m SERIOUSLY late. So I again, tromp my fat ass BACK into the gas station.

Me: “The pumps don’t work.”

Teenage Boy: “huh?”

Me: “I think my bad luck is rubbing off on everyone.”

Teenage Boy: “Must be.”

Gee, thanks for the moral support. But what do I expect from a teenage boy.

To give him credit, he did go back outside to look at all of the pumps. But while he was looking at the pumps, I was watching the minutes tick by so that I was more and more late. I have people waiting on me and I’m dicking around with stupid gas pumps that don’t work.

So while said teenage boy is trying to figure out the gas pumps, I climb back in and head for the next nearest gas station. Thank god there’s another gas station a mile away. Otherwise, I’d have to drive 10 miles the other direction to fill up. I don’t think pulling a horse trailer to get gas when I’m already on empty would work. I didn’t think I would make it if I had to go the other direction.

On the bright side, the second gas station fill up went smoothly.

The worst part of the entire experience, not but two hours earlier I’d filled up my car with gas at that gas station from hell. Figures, only luck I have is bad.

Idiots and Lazy People

How can this world be filled with so many idiots? How is it that our world doesn't come crumbling down with the stupidity that is the moron?

I spent a good 10 minutes on hold waiting to talk with my doctor's nurse. I'd emailed them on Monday, talked with them, and was paitently waiting for a response. I never got one. I waited a day and a half for a response and you guessed it, nothing. So I emailed again on Wednesday asking for a status. What do you think happened, I got a phone call at five minutes to five. Yeah, they left a message and close at five. Convenient. Seriously, you pieces of shit?! You wait and make ME do all the work and then when you have to actually DO something, you wait until the last minute. So now I'm waiting AGAIN for them to call me back.

So then I started thinking about this morning and my episode with the daycare. It's not idiots that I'm dealing with. I'm dealing with self-centered, LAZY people. I get my ass chewed if I don't do my job and am ten steps ahead of everyone else. But it's ok for others to do bare minimum work and what work it is, is piss pour. I don't understand how these people get away with it day after day but I'm faced with threats if I don't perform above the standard.

It's the lazy people of the world that I will cause the end. In just the past three days I've dealt with lazy people at work, lazy daycare providers, and lazy nursing home providers. I haven't even made it into town to deal with the general public laziness.

So it's a mix of idiots and laziness. Not something I want to strive for. If you don't know something, LEARN IT. Get off your ass and open a book or do some research instead of playing the ignorant card. If you're lazy, get off your fucking ass and WORK like you should.

If only those lazy people would all go to Hell. I would have a total heyday! As my sister once said, I'll go to Hell, tell Satan he's doing it wrong, and promptly take over. Then I could be the new Satan and show people what REAL work is all about.